Severing The Apron Strings...

Today little Tay-Tay started pre-school. Any Mamma who knows...I could end this latest post after that solitary sentence and that be enough. No other words necessary. For those that don't, I will continue... Way back when, when Kooks and Squash came along, I was very young and pretty much took a backseat to the million other people in our lives. I lacked confidence and knowledge, and so, decisions were made for us. Looking back, I know I could have done a thousand times better as a Mother, but then, I'm sure every Mother thinks this way. Always room for improvement; always could have done better; our best was never enough. Now, I settle for being a 'Good enough Mum'...something which came from an article I once read. I don't hope to be the best; I hope to be good enough. Suits me fine, and neither the kids or I are disappointed. Everybody wins. When Kooks started at the very same pre-school in which Tay-Tay has just started, the manager offered me a position to work there. Kooks was 3 years old; Squash was 1. Because Squash wasn't old enough to attend the pre-school, he started at a Day Care. He found it hard adjusting, but we made it in the end. He actually went through a stage of terrible upset, which meant my sister had to take him for me. Neither Squash nor I could face the anguish. Fast forward 18 months, and he came with me to pre-school. All was good. The difference between 'way back when', and now, is, I am softer. I feel more, and I am connected to all of my kids in many different ways. When Kooks and Squash started pre-school, I had no issues regarding separation. I knew they were well taken care of, and should they come to any upset, they'd be absolutely fine. What harm, in all honesty could come to them? None whatsoever. If they cried; they cried. Tears never hurt anyone. Fast forward to present day. Divorce, guilt and new beginnings have made me into the person I am today. The Mamma I am today. As I said, I feel more. And I would actually like to think it's made me into a better person. A better Mamma. If my kids cry; I cry. If my kids are hurting; I am hurting. They laugh; I laugh along with them. They get mad with me; I get mad with them... This morning, while I was rushing around like every other Mother does to get out out of the house on time, I took a time out. I stopped and watched all of my kids. Kooks catching up on iCarly with her bag on her back, eeking out every last second until she had to run for the bus. Squash squeezing in a round of Petville while munching a waffle. Tay-Tay running around naked trying to avoid having her heels caught under the baby walker in which Logi-Bear was chasing her in. And I had a panic. 'I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this'. I was absolutely not ready to take my youngest daughter to pre-school and leave her. I wobbled and fought back control. I was not ready. We arrived at pre-school where Tay-Tay promptly left me for the other 20 knee height people. At that moment I was surplus to requirement. I left. OK, I instructed every teacher I came across to call me if she so much as looked as though she was missing her Mamma, then I left. She wasn't missing me, and they didn't call. The time came for me to fetch her. I drove like a (sensible) bat out of hell thinking of all kinds of reasons as to why they didn't call me. I wrote my mobile phone number down wrong. Their mobile phone was out of battery power. They were so busy dealing with my sobbing child, the couldn't get to the phone. I arrived to find my child laughing with her new friends. The first teacher told me she had a great time. The second teacher told me she never sought me out once. The third and forth said they were delighted she settled in so quickly and easily. I waited for my heart to plummet. Nothing. My heart did, however, soar. Little Tay-Tay heard me call her name and came running at me with her lower lip wobbling and fighting tears. The little one did indeed miss her Mamma. Unexpectedly it came to me. I am a Good Enough Mum. I don't allow for the 56 million people to influence my choices or tell me how best to raise my kids. I raise them how I see fit. And I think I do a good enough job as a Good Enough Mum. And in doing so, my kids are ready to face the big wide world knowing that Mamma will always be there cheering them on. (Albeit whilst having a minor panic attack.)